Saturday, 21 December 2013

The Christmas Day TV Schedule That Never Was

Cor, yippee, it’s the Christmas Radio Times.  

But what's this…. Mike Yarwood and Pam Ayres on the cover? Gah! That can’t be right. Odder still, the date is blurred, and there are only two channels. Sacre merde! Only two channels? That is POSITIVELY prehistoric.

Curiouser and curiouser. It must have been produced at some indeterminate time in the not-too-distant past, or else comes from an alternate universe which nearly mirrors our own.

Let's take a look at what's on....

7.30am. Mr Men. Mr Triangle struggles with a new scarf.
7.45. Fingerbobs. Gulliver pecks Flash to death. Or does he?  

8.0. 'Noel' Christmas Swap Shop Special. Noel unwraps presents with guests Soft Cell and Edwina Currie.
9.30. Jim’ll Fix ‘Em. Jimmy Saville has a special surprise for children at the Great Ormond Street Hospital. 
10.0. Message from the Archbishop of Hull. ‘Did Jesus celebrate Christmas?’
10.03. Roustabout (1964). Carny motorcycling songs. Stars Elvis Presley, Red Buttons and David Hasselhoff.
11.45. Where Are You!?!  Last minute cooking tips for a boozy Christmas lunch with the nation's favourite cook, Delia Smith.

12.0. News. Read by Pam Ayres. Weather, also with Pam Ayres.  
12.05. The Good Life. Sitcom. Margot and Tom get squiffy in Lady Mountshaft's cucumber patch.
12.35. The High Chapparal. Drama. Buck questions Manolito's heritage.
1.30 Billy Smart's Circus. Featuring Grippo the Clown, lion-taming and Lucretia, the Napoli Fly.
3.0. The Queen's Speech. Her Majesty addresses the nation. Subtitled in Scotland.
3.15. Dr No. James Bond kills rivals to sleep with women. Starring James Bond and Ursula Undress.
4.50. That's Life. Esther Rantzen and his witty comrades liven up a working class shopping centre. With cunning linguist Richard Stilgoe. Features include a pompous man in a chair, a light-hearted song about phone companies, and a sausage dog.
5.30. Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. Frank skates into a sewer. Guest stars Bill Bixby and Val Doonican.

6.0. News, read by Angela Rippon.
6.10. Animal Crackers. Amusing animal impressions by Johnny Morris. With Marti Webb.
7.0. Dr Who. ‘Pig-Male-Lion’. The Doctor battles with a creature made of fish. With Tom Baker, guest star Tom O'Connor as ‘the Monster’.
7.30. Dallas. Bobby gets into a tight hole with Lucy Barnes.  
8.10. The Generation Game. Camp host Larry Grayson tries to ‘elf’ himself to Isla’s mince pies. Featuring Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog.  
9.0. The Two Ronnies. The popular duo is joined by guests Lulu, Johnny Thunders and Ted Heath.

10.30. The Black & White Minstrel Show. The renowned ‘Dem Dry Bones Orchestra’ perform Yuletide carols. Guest appearance by Ron Atkinson.
11.15. News, read by Brian Blessed.
11.25. The Sky At Night Christmas Special. Patrick Moore trains his telescope at Reticulum.
11.55. Late night film. Carry On Cleo. Saucy goings-on in Ancient Egypt. Starring Syd Jacques and Hattie Breslaw. 
1.13. Closedown. Followed by the testcard. Go to bed.

6.50. Little Blue. The little elephant learns what his trunk is for, and quickly gets into trouble.

7.0. Get Up & Go. With Beryl Reid and Mooncat. Special guest star, Noddy Holder.
7.15. Putting Others First. With Elton John, Rod Hull and Emu.
7.30. Sesame Street Christmas. Featuring guests Goldie Hawn, Lou Reed and Toyah.  
8.0. Tiswas Christmas Splat! Water sport frolics with Chris Tarrant, Sally James, the Phantom Pie Flinger and Spit the Dog.

9.30. The Adventures Of Black Beauty. Dr.  Gordon accidentally puts the horse down, much to the consternation of the children.
10.30. The Wild, Wild West. The Night Blizzard. Dr. Loveless goes cocaine crazy. Guest appearance by Roger De Courcey and Nookie Bear.
11.30. The Bolshoi In Birmingham. Brummies get a festive cultural makeover. Presented by Jeff Lyne and Roy Wood.
12.0. News, read by Alistair Burnet.
12.15. Man About The House. Mildred becomes frustrated by George’s obsession in finding out whether his young neighbours really do share the same bath.

12.45. Public Information Film: Happy Nuclear Christmas. What to do in the event war is declared over the holiday period.
1.0. The Christmas Film. Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines. Funny foreign stereotypes. Starring Terry Thomas and a fat German.
3.0. The Queen’s Speech. Subtitled. Not in Scotland.
3.15. Christmas Panto. Aladdin. Danny La Rue rubs Aladdin’s lamp the wrong way. Starring David Essex, Sally Thomsett and the Krankies.        
4.15. Magpie. Festive facts with Jenny and Mick. Special guest performance of ‘Spittin’ In The Wind’ by Bob Dylan and Spit the Dog.

4.45. Bullseye Charity Special. Jim Bowen hosts the popular darts show. Special guests Peters and Lee try to raise money for the RNIB.   
5.15. The Man From Atlantis. Patrick Duffy must decide between Carlotta, the hypnotic mermaid, or Stacey, a pretty teacher who can’t swim.
6.15. Celebrity Squares. Bob Monkhouse quizzes Freddie Starr, Lorraine Chase and Noel Fielding. With Bob Carolgees.
6.45. The Kryton Factor Xmas Special. Gordon Burns, as his losing contestants discover to their peril.
7.15. Mind Your Language. When Francois Pascal loses her knickers, Miss Courtney loses her marbles.
7.45. 3-2-1. Game show featuring Ted Rogers, the nifty-fingered host.  Ted is joined by Hollywood legend, Sammy Davis Jnr.
8.15. Celebrity Name That Tune. Cliff Richards and Frank Zappa try to name that tune in one, assisted by Tom O’Connor. With special guest appearance by Bob Carolgees.
9.0. Christmas With Morecambe and Wise. Eric and Ernie kick up a festive snowstorm with guests Victor Mature, Des O’Connor, Geoff Hurst and Spit The Dog.
10.0. Film. Zulu. Starring Michael Caine and Stanley Baker. Foreign gentlemen rebel against the upper class in Rhodesia.
11.45. Chas and Dave’s Xmas Bash. Drunk cockneys. With guests Roger De Courcey, Danny Baker, Ted Hughes, Cleo Laine and Captain Beefheart.  

12.30. Film. Die Hard 17. Bruce Willis uncovers a plot by sinister care home owner Klaus Von Irons to embezzle the prescriptions of fellow residents.

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